


Go Blow Your Dad You Mullet-Wearing Asshole ™

by idkman07



Category: IT (2017)
Genre: relatable teen, yet another text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-02-02 19:07:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12732474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idkman07/pseuds/idkman07
Summary: molly ringwald 2.0: so about u and billToken Jew: Error: this message did not send. Please try again when you are not being a nosy piece of shit.molly ringwald 2.0: damn siri can be a cold ass bitch





	1. Chapter 1

**molly ringwald 2.0:** bev

 **hamburger helper:** ben

 **edison:** eddie

 **farm boy:** mike

 **urmom69420:** richie

 **ihateuall:** stan

 **older georgie:** bill

 **Go Blow Your Dad You Mullet-Wearing Asshole** **™**

**3:29 am**

**urmom69420:** GUYS

 **urmom69420** :guys

 **urmom69420** :guys???

 **urmom69420** :GUYSSSS

 **urmom69420** :G

 **urmom69420** :U

 **urmom69420** :Y

 **urmom69420** :S

 **edison:** HOLY SHIT RICHIE ITS 3 AM WHAT IN THE NAME OF FUCK COULD U POSSIBLY WANT

 **urmom69420:** i knew you'd be the one to answer my booty call eds ;))

 **edison:** i didn't know it was possible

 **edison:** to hate someone so much??

 **edison:** AND DON'T CALL ME THAT

 **ihateuall:** Would you two please stop flirting? Some of us have school tomorrow.

 **edison:** STAN FUCK U AND UR PERFECT GRAMMAR

 **urmom69420:** damn eddie spaghetti ur cute when ur feisty

 **urmom69420:** don't worry stan the man there's enough richie to go around

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** richie do u ever sleep

 **urmom69420:** interesting question

 **urmom69420:** i tend to sleep better after a nice night with eddie's mom

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** HOLY SHIT

 **edison:** i swear to god tozier if u bring up my mom one more time

**urmom69420 changed their name to ed'smom69420**

**edison has left the chat.**

**ed'smom69420:** WAIT NO

 **ed'smom69420:** FUCK I REGRET IT ALL

 **older georgie:** gayy

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** ASDFGHJKL

 **ed'smom69420:** FUCK U ALL U CAN ALL ROT

 **ed'smom69420:** also we never speak of this again am I clear

 **ihateuall:** What are you going to do, fight us?

 **ed'smom69420:** i could take u stanny boy

 **ihateuall:** I'd like to see you try.

 **older georgie:** damn stan

**molly ringwald 2.0 <<older georgie**

**molly ringwald 2.0:** GAYYY

 **older georgie:** STFUUUUU

 **Go Blow Your Dad You Mullet-Wearing Asshole** **™**

 **hamburger helper:** hey would u guys mind not talking as much? I have a test in the morning and I have to get some sleep

 **ed'smom69420:** HE SPEAKS

 **older georgie:** if benny says to shut the fuck up we shut the fuck up. agreed?

 **ed'smom69420:** agreed

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** agree 100%

 **hamburger helper:** thanks bev :) 

 **ed'smom69420:** wow ok thanks ben luv u too

 **ihateuall:** Where has Mike been this whole time?

 **farm boy:** asleep until now, you fuckwads

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** MIKE

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** ok sorry ben we're shutting up now

 **older georgie:** night u little shits!

 **ed'smom69420:** NIGHT PLZ DON’T TELL EDDIE XOXO

**edison << ed'smom69420:**

**edison:** hey can u add me back

 **ed'smom69420:** what are the magic words??

 **edison:** fuck u

 **ed'smom69420:** ill take it

 **Go Blow Your Dad You Mullet-Wearing Asshole** **™**

**ed'smom69420 added edison to the chat.**

**older georgie:** hey eddie guess what

 **ed'smom69420:** PSADSKJSKLJDSLK BILLIAm I SWEAR


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just kinda filler chapter b4 the drama happens but i luv my bbys

**Go Blow Your Dad You Mullet-Wearing Asshole **™****

**9:28 pm**

**hamburger helper:** return book tomorrow at 11 am

**older georgie:** uhh ben

**hamburger helper:** yeah??

**ed'smom69420:** DID U JUST SEND A REMINDER TO THE GROUPCHAT

**farm boy:** HOLY SHIT

**molly ringwald 2.0:** HAHAKJDSKSLFDJDS

**hamburger helper:** omg im so dumb

**ihateuall:** Everyone has to bring a book to return tomorrow at 11.

**older georgie:** this is happening

**ed'smom69420:** u just wanna go bc stan's going

**older geogie <<ed'smom69420**

**older georgie:** did u seriously just go there

**older georgie:** when i have the screenshots??

**ed'smom69420:** MOTHER OF FUCK BILL

**ed'smom69420:** nO

**ed'smom69420:** i take it back ur not gay in the slightest

**older georgie:** alright that’s offensive

**Go Blow Your Dad You Mullet-Wearing Asshole** **™**

**edison:** does anyone ever ask ur opinion richie or do u just go for it

**ed'smom69420:** ur mom always seems interested in what I have to say

**ed'smom69420:** or maybe she just likes watching my mouth ;)

**edison:** TOO FAR NOPE BEEP FUCKING BEEP

**molly ringwald 2.0:** eddie when are u gonna learn richie doesn't have limits


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i luv my bbys part 4329483294

**8:45 am**

**Go Blow Your Dad You Mullet-Wearing Asshole** **™**

**edison:** heyy so I kinda realized something

 **edison** : and it's kind of big so respond IMMEDIATELY

 **mollyringwald 2.0:** are u good eddie??

 **ed'smom69420:** whats this big confession eds

 **ed'smom69420:** u have woken me from my slumber and I am intrigued

**edison << ihateuall**

**edison:** STAn

 **ihateuall:** How am I supposed to study with you texting every second. Jesus.

 **edison:** STAN FUCKING LISTEN U TOKEN JEW

 **edison:** THAT MESSAGE IN THE GC WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ONLY TO U

 **edison:** AND I WAS GOING TO SAY THAT I REALIZED IM FUCKING IN LOVE WITH RICHIE

**Go Blow Your Dad You Mullet-Wearing Asshole** **™**

**ihateuall changed their name to Token Jew**

**older georgie:** beautiful

**edison << Token Jew**

**edison:** ARE U SERIOUSDSJDSJK

 **edison:** also gayyy lmao

 **Token Jew:** You're one to talk.

 **edison:** UGH IK

 **edison:** WHAT DO I DO HOW DO I COVER IT UP

 **Token Jew:** Just make up something. It's general enough that it could be about anything.

 **edison:** okok

**Go Blow Your Dad You Mullet-Wearing Asshole** **™**

**ed'smom69420:** i'm anxiously awaiting ur confession eddie bear

 **edison:** ok first of all don't call me that

 **edison:** and it was just about this new fanny pack I want to buy

 **Token Jew <<** **edison**

 **Token Jew:** Smooth.

 **edison:** FUCK

 **edison:** OFF I PANICKED


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> raise ur hand if u love an oblivious richie

**ed'smom69420 << molly ringwald 2.0**

**ed'smom69420:** wanna hear something funny

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** i can guarantee I will not laugh but carry on

 **ed'smom69420:** OK SCREW U

 **ed'smom69420:** I kinda thought eddie's confession was gonna be about me

 **ed'smom69420:** cause he was acting really weird yesterday

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** oh it was definitely about u

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** fanny pack? eddie only has one (1) fanny pack in his life

 **ed'smom69420:** holy shit ur right

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** u right I'm right

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** I cant remember a time I was god damn wrong

 **ed'smom69420:** but how do u know its about me

 **molly ringwald 2.0:**  because this bitch has been in love with u for like…

 **molly ringwald 2.0:**  3 years??

 **ed'smom69420:**  say what now


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i LOVE MY BBYS

**ed'smom69420 <<edison**

**ed'smom69420:** hey there eddie bear

 **ed'smom69420:** eddie-o spaghetti-o

 **ed'smom6940:** the edmeister

 **ed'smom69420:** Thomas alva edison 2.0

 **edison:** did u seriously look up edisons full name or is that just a piece of knowledge u have

 **ed'smom69420:** ur worth the research eds

 **ed'smom69420:** cause ur the prettiest girl this side of the mississippi

 **edison:** so did u just contact me to make me want to wring my neck orr

 **ed'smom69420:** what I cant just contact u just to hear ur voice

 **edison:** richie were texting u cant hear my voice

 **ed'smom69420:** yeah but uve yelled at me so many times I can practically hear how annoyed u are

 **ed'smom69420:** anywhom there is a reason

 **edison:** damn cant wait to hear it

 **ed'smom69420:** alrighty

 **ed'smom69420:** sooo

 **edison:** spit it out bitch

 **ed'smom69420:** wow eds did u eat a chili pepper cuz u are spicy today

 **edison:** alright im blocking u

 **ed'smom69420:** WAIT NO

 **ed'smom69420:** Iwasjustgonnaskifuwantedtohangout

 **edison:** uhh am I supposed to be able to read that

 **ed'smom69420:** wow so ur keyboard smashes make sense but when I smash words together its "unreadable"

 **edison:** keyboard smashes are a work of art

 **ed'smom69420:** do u wanna hang out tomorrow

 **edison:** oh uh sure

 **edison:** i think stan said he's free too did u ask him yet

 **ed'smom69420:** oh ya sure totally

 **ed'smom69420:** but i was kinda hoping we could just hang

 **edison:** just us?

 **ed'smom69420:** if u don’t want to that’s totally cool

 **edison:** no I want to

 **ed'smom69420:** oh

 **ed'smom69420:** sweet lmao

 **ed'smom69420** << **molly ringwald 2.0**

 **ed'smom69420** : HE SAID YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** [pretends to be shocked.jpg]

**edison << Token Jew**

**edison:** so uhhh

 **edison:** I think richie just asked me out

 **Token Jew:** [pretends to be shocked.jpg]

**molly ringwald 2.0 << Token Jew**

**molly ringwald 2.0:** so did eddie tell u..

 **Token Jew:** Oh yes.

 **Token Jew:** And Richie?

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** whooo that boi is fuckin pussy whipped

 **Token Jew:** HA

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** wow no period letting ur hair down tonight Stanley

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** so about u and bill

 **Token Jew:** Error: this message did not send. Please try again when you are not being a nosy piece of shit.

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** damn siri can be a cold ass bitch


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stan and bill have my whole ass heart

**older georgie << Token Jew**

**older georgie:** stan

 **older georgie:** u awake

 **Token Jew:** It's 8pm, Bill.

 **older georgie:** hey u can never be too sure these days

 **older georgie:** im boooored

 **Token Jew:** Hey bored, I'm Stan.

 **older georgie:** damn dad jokes suddenly became my kink

**older georgie <<farm boy+hamburger helper**

**older georgie:** GUYS

 **hamburger helper:** u ok bill?

 **older georgie:** YEAH IM CHILL IM JUST SLIGHTLY DYING

 **older georgie:** CAUSE I SENT A RISKY TEXT TO STAN AND HES NOT ANSWERING

 **farm boy:** like flirting or some shit

 **older georgie:** yes mike like flirting jesus

 **older georgie:** I forgot the only romance uve had was with one of ur chickens

 **farm boy:** ouch that one stung

 **older georgie:** ok im sorry that was uncalled for

 **older georgie:** IM JUST FREAKING OUT

 **hamburger helper:** its fine hes probably just busy

 **older georgie:** oh come on

 **older georgie:** what does stan do except fetishize birds and read the torah

 **farm boy:** damn bill ur really firing on all cylinders tonight

 **Token Jew <<** **older georgie**

 **Token Jew:** I mean, if you're bored you can just come over. I'm not busy.

**older georgie << farm boy+ hamburger helper**

**older georgie:** G

 **older georgie:** U

 **older georgie:** Y

 **older georgie:** S

 **farm boy:** jesus bill what is it u made me interrupt my love sesh with my chicken

 **older georgie:** HAHAHAH

 **older georgie:** guess what

 **hamburger helper:** what is it did stan respond

 **older georgie:** YES

 **older georgie:** HE WANTS ME TO COME OVER

 **farm boy:** holy shit that I did not expect

 **older georgie:** oh please I have a 99.9% success rate

 **older georgie:** wait do u think this is a booty call

 **hamburger helper:** do people have booty calls at 8:30

 **farm boy:** these damn millennials

**older georgie << Token Jew**

**older georgie:** it's 8:30

 **Token Jew:** And?

**older georgie << farmboy+ hamburger helper**

**older georgie:** [screenshot.jpg]

 **farm boy:** oh it’s a booty call 100%


	7. Chapter 7

**ed'smom69420 << molly ringwald 2.0**

**ed'smom69420:** BEV

 **ed'smom69420:** BEVERLY MARSH

 **ed'smom69420:** IF U DON’T ANSWER IN 1 MINUTE IM CALLING 911

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** this better be fucking good rich

 **ed'smom69420:** OH HO HO HO

 **ed'smom69420:** are u with haystack rn

 **ed'smom69420:** gettin

 **ed'smom69420:** down n dirty™

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** im blocking u

 **ed'smom69420:** WAIT NO NO NO

 **ed'smom69420:** i need ur help 100% serious

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** wow 100% this really is serious

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** usually it’s a solid 55%

 **ed'smom69420:** kindly fuck off

 **ed'smom69420:** ok so u know how im on this date thing with eds rn

 **ed'smom69420:** im currently hiding in a bush

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** ur WHAT

 **ed'smom69420:** okok ik its bad

 **ed'smom69420:** i just really want to tell him how i feel and u know

 **ed'smom69420:** possibly make out

 **ed'smom69420:** but im too much of a pussy

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** richie

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** ur so fuckin dumb jesus fuck

 **ed'smom69420:** huh not the advice i was expecting

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** i mean that the boy is fuckin in love with u

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** literally u'd have to fuck up so bad to change that

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** so just put on ur big boy pants and tell him

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** end of speech

 **ed'smom69420:** i love u ron swanson

 **ed'smom69420:** if u do not hear from me again eds has murdered me in cold blood

 **molly ringwald 2.0:** a girl can dream

**edison <<Token Jew**

**edison:** hey

 **edison:** ik ur probably studying or whatever but im kinda freaking out

 **Token Jew:** Sorry, I'm here now. And I wasn't studying.

 **Token Jew:** Are you okay?

 **edison:** oh yeah totally chill u know me

 **edison:** just i think richie might have left our date

 **Token Jew:** He wouldn't do that.

 **Token Jew:** How long has it been?

 **edison:** like 10 hours

 **edison:** ok maybe like five minutes

 **edison:** but he told me he needed to piss and we all know he pisses in record time

 **Token Jew:** Trust me, I know. I have to disinfect my whole bathroom after he uses it.

 **Token Jew:** What was happening before he left?

 **edison:** nothing we were just talking

 **edison:** ok actually i kinda thought he was about to kiss me

 **Token Jew:** He'll be back.

 **edison:** do u swear on the torah

 **Token Jew:** I'm glad you think you're funny, Eddie.

 **Token Jew:** But trust me. He likes you too much.

 **edison:** thanks stan seriously

 **edison:** oh shit i think I hear him coming

 **edison:** wait what took u so long to answer if u weren't studying

 **Token Jew:** Nothing. I was busy.

 **edison:** holy shit were u doing what i think u were doing

 **edison:** WERE TALKING ABOUT THIS LATER


End file.
